XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
SUBTEXT VIRTUAL SEASON 9

PRODUCTION #V914
Poke!

VIRTUAL AIRDATE
April 14, 2004

WRITTEN BY
TNovan

PRODUCED BY
Carol Stephens

DIRECTED BY
Denise Byrd

SCREENGRABS
Judi Mair

ARTWORK
Lucia

TITLE GRAPHIC
MaryD

Xena: Warrior Princess is a trademark and copyright of Universal/StudiosUSA and Renaissance Pictures.  This is a fan based not-for-profit work of fiction and is not intended to infringe upon their rights.

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. VILLAGE – EVENING

Xena and Gabrielle wearily walk into a village. They look like they’ve seen better days.  Xena is covered from the waist down in what can only be assumed is mud.  Gabrielle has a bandage on her right bicep; her hair is sticking up in every direction possible.  Her face and the rest of the exposed skin is marred with soot and dirt.  They’re both covered in a variety of bruises and cuts. Even Argo looks like she has had better days; her head is down, her ears are back, her fur dirty and she’s limping on her left front foot.

XENA
Earthquakes, fires, mudslides and riots... what ELSE could be in store for us?

GABRIELLE
Personally, I’m hoping for a hot bath and a warm bed.

XENA
Food?

GABRIELLE
(nodding)
Oh yes, food is a must.

XENA
You go find an inn and I’ll get Argo to the stable and find a blacksmith.

GABRIELLE
I have dirt in places that may never come clean and I think my boots have finally given up.

XENA
I think a couple days off are in order.

GABRIELLE
You know, we could use the place Aphrodite set up for us.  Less chance of something coming up.

XENA
I’d rather keep my feet on the ground, and last time I checked Olympus doesn’t have a blacksmith.

GABRIELLE
(tiredly)
Point taken.  I’ll get a room. Meet you there.

XENA
I won’t be long.

FADE TO:

EXT. INN – EVENING

Hefting her saddlebags on her shoulder, Gabrielle eyes the local inn, which seems to be bustling with activity. Women are seated at tables outside the inn, talking and drinking and generally having a good time.  She’s really too tired to notice that the majority of people there seem to be women who are either tall and brunette or shorter and blonde.

As she makes her way to the door a few of the women stop to stare at her. This she notices.  Stopping in her tracks, she straightens and turns to face them.

GABRIELLE
What?

They don’t say anything as they all look away or shrug before going back to whatever they were doing.

With a glare and a groan she continues inside.

CUT TO:

INT. INN – EVENING

Moving through a packed common room, Gabrielle finally makes her way to the counter where the innkeeper and several assistants are busy taking care of the rowdy clientele.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Excuse....

She raises her hand to try and capture someone’s attention. Anyone will do but she’s not having a huge amount of luck.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Excuse… hey… could…?

All around her, men and women are laughing and drinking. Generally a good time is being had by all, except for Gabrielle who is being shoved and jostled around the busy counter. 

Having had enough, there is a shrill ear-piercing whistle that stops all movement and sound in the place.   Every set of eyes turn to the irritated little blonde at the bar.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Finally.

She looks up, seeing the innkeeper and beckoning him with the crook of her finger.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
C’mere. Now.

The innkeeper gulps and takes a tentative step forward.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
You don’t have to say a word. Just nod.

The innkeeper nods, a slight sweat starting to trickle down the side of his face.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
I need a room. Do you have one?

He nods again.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Can I get a bath and a meal?

He nods twice.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Good. The key please?

Turning to a bank of small boxes on the wall he pulls a key out and drops in on the counter by her hand almost afraid she’s going to take his hand off if he gets too close.

Gabrielle takes a few coins out of her pouch and lays them on the counter next to the key.

GABRIELLE 
Is that enough?

He nods for the last time as Gabrielle takes the key and heads for the steps. When she is on the third step the entire room breaks out into a round of whistles and applause for her performance at the counter.

With a smile that borders between embarrassed and amused, she gives the crowd a slight wave and continues up the steps.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – EVENING

Xena is walking through the village, which she notices seems to be filled with people that are somehow familiar, but yet very strange.

As she proceeds through the crowded streets she bumps into a woman, wearing something that resembles Amazon leathers.

XENA
I’m sorry. 
(beat) 
Do I know you?

WOMAN
(leering)
Oh no.  If we’d met I’d remember you.

XENA
Right... hold that thought.

Xena manages to escape before the woman can say anything else.  

Continuing through the streets, she just can’t put her finger on what’s bothering her about this village. She just knows that there is something not… quite… right.

CUT TO:

INT. INN – EVENING

Xena enters the same inn where Gabrielle has procured a room. If it is possible, the crowd is larger and drunker now.

Xena is watching everyone and she notices that the crowd is predominantly female.  There are a few men strewn through the room but they are as scarce as hen’s teeth.

She shoulders through the crowd to the counter.  The barkeep looks harried, but he gives her a smile.

BARTENDER
What can I get you?

XENA
My friend came in here, looking for a room.

BARTENDER
Lady, do you know how many rooms I’ve rented?  Can you be a little more specific?

XENA 
What’s going on here anyway?

BARTENDER
They’re here for some symposium. Great for business; lousy for my nerves.

Before Xena can comment, she feels a hand on her arms and turns to find Gabrielle.

XENA
Hey there.

GABRIELLE
Come with me. I have something to show you.

Xena follows Gabrielle through the crowd to the rear of the inn.  The crowd has thinned out and Gabrielle points to a sign in the wall.

The sign reads:

Eighteenth Annual Symposium for 
Bards and Warriors
Guest of honor
Autolycus, The King of Thieves

XENA
What in hades?

GABRIELLE
I don’t know, but I have a feeling it involves us to some extent.

FADE OUT.

END OF TEASER

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DINING ROOM – MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle enter the room to find it packed.  Every table is full except for one in the center with a couple empty seats.

XENA
Let’s try there.

Moving through the room, they notice that people are watching them with significant interest. Ignoring it for the moment, they stop at the table with the empty seats.

XENA 
(cont’d)
Excuse me? Can we join you?

The women at the table all smile and nod.  They take their seats, Gabrielle signals to the waitress making the rounds of the room.

One of the women extends her hand to Xena.

KAZIA
I’m Kazia. Those are great costumes by the way.

Xena and Gabrielle look at each other and then back to Kazia.

GABRIELLE
Uh... thanks. 

XENA
(to Gabrielle)
When we get done eating we need to find Autolycus.

Another woman at the table perks up at his name.

JANEE
Oooo, do you know him?

XENA
Too well.

JANEE
He’s just so cute.  I hope he signs autographs.

KAZIA
Knowing Kadmus, he’ll charge extra for them.

Gabrielle leans over so she can whisper in Xena’s ear.

GABRIELLE
Is it just me, or are things getting stranger and stranger?

XENA
It’s not you.

GABRIELLE
This is our first time to one of these things.  What exactly goes on?

JANEE
Oh it’s great.  We get to see people who actually knew them and....

XENA
Knew who?

JANEE
Xena and Gabrielle, of course.

Xena grins and nods her head at Gabrielle.

XENA
Now it makes sense.

The waitress places bowls of a hot breakfast cereal in front of them and pours some harmless looking liquid in their mugs.

WAITRESS
House special for the symposium.  If you want something else it’ll be extra.

GABRIELLE
This is fine, thanks.

XENA
(to Kazia)
So do you know what room Autolycus is in?

KAZIA
Oh he won’t be here.  He’ll be in the inn down the street.  Kadmus never puts his guests in the same inn.  He’s afraid they might actually be able to speak to us on their own.

XENA
I take it this Kadmus fellow is the one who organizes this little shindig?

KAZIA
Yeah, I suppose I should be more grateful, but it’s hard ya know.

GABRIELLE
Why?

KAZIA
You’ve really never been to one of these.  It’s just that there’s a charge for everything.  If he could figure out how to charge for air, he would.

XENA
So he’s making lots of dinars on this deal?

KAZIA
Tons.

GABRIELLE
So other than Autolycus, what else happens at these things?

KAZIA
Well, there’s the marketplace where you can shop.  There’s a costume contest, which I think you’ll win if you enter.

JANEE
And don’t forget the auctions.

KAZIA
Right... the auctions.

GABRIELLE
You don’t sound thrilled.

KAZIA
Don’t even get me started on the auctions.

GABRIELLE
So if there’s so much you dislike about it, why do you come?

KAZIA
My friends. I come here to see them.  Most of us only get to see each other once a year.  So we all gather here, we get to spend time with each other and do something we enjoy.

GABRIELLE
Sounds reasonable enough to me.

XENA
Come on, we need to go find Autolycus.  Excuse us, but we really need to get going.

JANEE
Sure, we’ll see you later.

XENA
Count on it.

FADE TO:

EXT. INN – MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle move to the front door of the inn only to be stopped by a large fellow whose head seems to be growing directly from his shoulders. Xena stops and just considers him for a moment before gesturing Gabrielle off to one side.

XENA
I get the feeling he’s there to keep the general population out.

GABRIELLE
And how do you suggest we convince him we’re not the general population?

XENA
I’m glad you asked that.  Here’s my plan....

CUT TO:

EXT. INN – MORNING

Gabrielle, looking a little more ‘seductive’ than normal, saunters up to the guard and tries to get his attention while Xena hangs back and waits for the chance to get in around him.

GABRIELLE
Hey handsome.

The guard says nothing. His eyes flicker to her for a moment but then return to stare straight ahead.

GABRIELLE 
(cont’d)
I was wondering what you’re doing later tonight?

Xena has as much as she can to stifle back chuckles as she watches Gabrielle try her best to get his attention, with no success.

As Xena watches, Gabrielle tries a couple more tactics that fail miserably. Finally, in a bit of a huff Gabrielle returns to Xena’s side.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
I think he’s dead.

XENA
He’s very committed to what he’s doing, that’s for sure.

GABRIELLE
Any more brilliant ideas?

XENA
None that don’t involve him being in pain. 

GABRIELLE
I don’t think we should hurt him.

XENA
Probably not. It’s wrong to hurt the brainless.

GABRIELLE
Of course, you could go try ‘your’ feminine wiles on him.

XENA
It looks like your wiles put him in a coma.  Mine will kill him.

GABRIELLE
Time to sneak in, isn’t it?

XENA
Yup.

Xena takes a good look at the structure in front of them.

XENA
(cont’d)
I think we should be able to get in the second story. Feel like a little acrobatics?

GABRIELLE
Sure, I haven’t done anything acrobatic in days.

CUT TO:

EXT. REAR OF BUILDING – MORNING

Xena looks around and points to a second floor balcony.

XENA
That looks like a good spot.

GABRIELLE
Good as any.

XENA
Shall we use number four?

GABRIELLE
That should do the trick.

Gabrielle takes a spot below the balcony with her back to it.  Xena takes a few steps back and runs toward Gabrielle, who laces her fingers, cupping her hands in front of her.  As Xena approaches Gabrielle stoops slightly at the waist, allowing Xena’s foot to rest in her hands.  With a groan, she lifts her hands and vaults Xena up into the air.

Landing on the front side of the balcony, Xena tests the strength of the railing and then loops her arm through it, reaching down for Gabrielle.

XENA
Up you go.

Xena pulls and swings Gabrielle up to the railing, where she grabs hold next to Xena.

GABRIELLE
Well, that was fun.

They both climb over the rail, moving to a door of the second floor. Xena gives it a gentle push and it opens easily.

CUT TO:

INT. INN ROOM – MORNING

When they step inside, they find a young man with a sheet wrapped around his waist and a young woman in a similar situation, except she is reclined on the bed.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Excuse us. We got locked out.

Without another word, they exit the room.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY – MORNING

Closing the door behind them they both mask grins as they lean against the wall.

GABRIELLE
Good thing we weren’t a little earlier.

XENA
Or a little later.

GABRIELLE
Good point. So which room do you think belongs to Autolycus?

XENA
Dunno. Guess we’ll have to narrow our choices.

Gabrielle lifts her thumb to point behind them.

GABRIELLE
We know it’s not this one.

XENA
One down.

FADE TO:

INT. ROOM – MORNING

XENA
This one has to be it.

Gabrielle is looking around, pulling open a closet door she nods. 

GABRIELLE
This is it.

Taking a step back, she shows Xena a small chest secured with several chains and padlocks.

XENA
Don’t touch it; knowing him it shoots poison darts too.

GABRIELLE
Right.

She closes the door and shrugs to her partner.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
So now what? Want to get comfortable and wait for him to get back?

XENA
It’s tempting, but I think we’ll find him down at the other inn. He’s probably getting ready to charm the masses.

GABRIELLE
Remember when we find him... he’s our friend.

XENA
And?

GABRIELLE
You shouldn’t kill him.

XENA
I’ll try to remember that.

She starts to leave, but hesitates and pulls her sword.

GABRIELLE
What are you doing?

Xena takes her sword and pokes the chest with it.  When it doesn’t explode she seems relieved, but still cautious.  She ushers Gabrielle back and hefts the sword, bringing it down on the chest and breaking the locks off of it.  With the tip of the sword she lifts the lid. Still nothing happens.

XENA
He’s getting sloppy in his old age.

Sheathing her sword, she reaches down and removes one of two bags.  Opening it, she just shakes her head.

XENA
(cont’d)
I take it back.

Taking a fist full of the contents, she shows Gabrielle common pieces of metal.

Gabrielle chuckles and drops the metal back into the bag.

GABRIELLE
He’s still on top of things.

XENA
Let’s go find him.

FADE TO:

INT. INN – MORNING

The inn is once again bustling with people.  As Xena and Gabrielle make their way toward the area where the symposium is being held, two men block their path.

MAN 1
Tickets?

XENA
What?

MAN 1
I need to see your tickets.

GABRIELLE
We don’t have any. 

MAN 1
Then you can’t come in.

The second man sighs and shakes his head, seemingly not shocked at his friend’s lack of communication skills.

MAN 2
If you’d like a ticket, you can get one out front.  There’s a registration table set up out there.

XENA
We really don’t need a ticket; we won’t be here that long. We just need to see Autolycus.

MAN 2
Look I’m sorry; there are three hundred people here who want to see him.  If you want in you have to pay to get in.

GABRIELLE
In the main room?

MAN 2
The main room.

XENA
Fine.

As they turn to walk away, Xena lowers her voice so only Gabrielle can hear her.

XENA
I’m going to have to hurt someone very soon if I get told one more time I can’t do something 

GABRIELLE
Then I won’t bother to tell you that you can’t hurt someone.

FADE TO:

INT. MAIN ROOM – MORNING

Xena looks at the line of people waiting before the table they have been directed to.

XENA
You’ve got to be kidding. Oh I know we’re going in there now.

GABRIELLE
The curiosity is killing you, isn’t it?

XENA
It is now. 

From the front of the line, their friend from breakfast spots them and waves them over. A few people behind them grumble causing Kazia to turn around.

KAZIA
They were supposed to meet me here, okay?

A couple of the loudest grumblers take one look at Xena and capitulate. 

GABRIELLE
Thanks.

KAZIA
No problem. Hey, I didn’t get your names at breakfast.

Gabrielle moves closer and whispers to Kazia.

GABRIELLE
Do you promise not to make a big deal out of it?

KAZIA
Sure.

GABRIELLE
I’m Gabrielle....

Before Kazia can scream Gabrielle places her hand over the girl’s mouth.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
You promised. Right?

Kazia nods slowly.  Gabrielle removes her hand and gestures to Xena.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
So you know who this is?

Kazia nods again, completely speechless.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
We’re going to check things out here and we really don’t want a bunch of people knowing we’re here.  You have to keep this to yourself.

KAZIA
I promise. Can I say one thing?

GABRIELLE
Of course.

KAZIA
I just... I just want to say, thank you.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. SMALL ROOM – MORNING

Autolycus is seated at a small table enjoying a breakfast fit for The King of Thieves.  He’s not paying attention to the noises around him and barely flinches at a loud crash just outside the door.

He does look up when the door is thrown open. For a moment he is speechless then a broad smile lights his features as he stands up.

AUTOLYCUS
Xena! Gabrielle!

They are standing in the doorway, neither of them looking particularly happy. Autolycus is on his way around the table to hug them until he gets a look at them.

AUTOLYCUS
(cont’d)
Good to see you?

GABRIELLE
Autolycus, what’s going on here?

XENA
And why are you a part of it?

AUTOLYCUS
One at a time.

He gestures to the table.

AUTOLYCUS
(cont’d)
Hungry?

XENA
Not particularly.

GABRIELLE
Please, just tell us....

AUTOLYCUS
Okay. It’s simple really. This fellow Kadmus, he got wind of the fact there were people out there in the world who were fans of yours.  He decided that holding the symposiums were a great way for them to get together.

XENA
While he makes a small fortune charging them for the right.

AUTOLYCUS
I’m sure that’s what it seems like on the surface....

GABRIELLE
You mean it isn’t?

He hesitates for a moment then smiles.

AUTOLYCUS
Okay it is like that, but really Gabrielle, it’s not like he forces these people to come here.  They come of their own free will.

XENA
And that’s supposed to make this all right?

AUTOLYCUS
I get the feeling that no matter what I say; I’m not going to win here. 

XENA
I’m glad your leg healed so nicely. It’ll make a better noise when I break it.

AUTOLYCUS
Now Xena....

XENA
Don’t you ‘Now Xena’ me, you....

GABRIELLE
Autolycus, why are you doing this?

AUTOLYCUS
Because they pay well?

XENA
That was totally the wrong thing to say.

AUTOLYCUS
How could I turn it down?  I got a message a few weeks ago. Kadmus offered me a small fortune to come speak at this thing.

GABRIELLE
Define small fortune.

AUTOLYCUS
Five thousand dinars.

GABRIELLE
Yup, that’s a small fortune.

XENA
Autolycus, Gabrielle and I aren’t wild about someone using us to make money.

AUTOLYCUS
I’m getting a sense of that.

GABRIELLE
Xena, before we do something rash I think we need to understand this thing from both sides.

XENA
And you suggest?

Gabrielle takes Xena’s arm and pulls her off to the side for a private conference.

FADE TO:

INT. MERCHANT’S ROOM – MORNING

Xena is now alone and walking through a room with tables arranged all around it.  As she looks at the tables she sees they are piled high with scrolls and pictures and replicas of her sword and chakram and Gabrielle’s sais.

XENA
Oh, this just gets better and better.

Approaching the table she picks up one of the chakrams. It’s much lighter than the real one, but the detail is pretty good.

Xena motions to the woman behind table.

XENA
(cont’d)
How much?

WOMAN
Hundred and fifty.

XENA
Right.

She places it back on the table and continues to walk around the room.  In a corner she sees several young people sitting at a table playing something that looks like a card game. As she approaches, she listens to their conversation.

BOY 1
I have a Joxer I’ll trade for a Caesar.  

GIRL 1
Yeah, right. Keep dreaming.

BOY 2
How about an Aphrodite for an Ares?

GIRL 1
Sure. Dite is more fun anyhow.

XENA
Isn’t that the truth?

They stop what they’re doing and look up at her.

GIRL 1
Excellent costume!

XENA
Thanks, it’s just something I threw on. What are you guys doing here?

BOY 1
We’re trading to complete our decks.

XENA
Gotcha.  You enjoy this game?

BOY 2
It’s great!  After you trade and make the best deck you can, then you can play and Xena and Gabrielle can beat the bad guys.

XENA
Who’s the best card?

GIRL 1
Why, Xena of course. She beats just about anything.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Gabrielle and Autolycus are moving down a hallway, crowded with people who apparently work for Kadmus.

AUTOLYCUS
He should be around here somewhere.

Autolycus spots his quarry and leads Gabrielle over.

AUTOLYCUS
(cont’d)
Kadmus?

A middle-aged man turns to him.  The first thing Gabrielle notices is that he appears to be in a perpetually bad mood.

KADMUS
Autolycus, what can I do for you?

AUTOLYCUS
Actually, I think it’s more what I can do for you. This is a very dear friend of mine that I think you’ll enjoy meeting. Kadmus, may I present Gabrielle, the Battling Bard?

KADMUS
My, my. It is a pleasure to meet you.

Gabrielle smiles and nods, but remains quiet.

CUT TO:

INT. MAIN ROOM – DAY

Xena has gone back out to the inn’s main room where the symposium attendees are gathered.  Seeing a small group seated at a table near the fire, she makes her way over.

XENA
Can I ask you a couple questions?

The women all smile and gesture for her to join them.

XENA
(cont’d)
I don’t mean be rude, but why?

ADEL
I’m not sure I understand?

XENA
Well, why come here and listen to stories about someone else?  Why pay good money to do this?

ADEL
Because the stories are great.  Gabrielle wrote some of the most amazing scrolls about their adventures and it’s nice to hear people who really knew them. 

XENA
But why Xena and Gabrielle?  Why not Hercules and Iolaus?

KATHA
Because Hercules and Iolus are not two ass kicking babes.

XENA
Ass kicking babes?

KATHA
Sure, not only are they two women out on their own, but damn, they’re beautiful too.

XENA
I see. And this is appealing?

KATHA
Have you been under a rock?

The strain is starting to get to Xena and she pinches the bridge of her nose as she tries to stop an oncoming headache.

XENA
Apparently.

CUT TO:

INT. STAGEROOM – DAY

Autolycus, Kadmus and Gabrielle are walking through a large room with a stage set in the front of it and several benches set up through it for the audience.

KADMUS
And this is where our guests speak.

GABRIELLE
And exactly what do they speak about?

KADMUS
Knowing you.  They come here and tell their adventures with you.  Then they answer questions.

GABRIELLE
Questions about us?

KADMUS
Yes.

GABRIELLE
I can only imagine the questions.

Autolycus affects a falsetto voice and swoons.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh, is Xena really that tall? Are Gabrielle’s eyes really green?

GABRIELLE
Aren’t you in enough trouble?

KADMUS
So I’d like to offer you the chance to speak here.  I’ll be happy to pay you.

GABRIELLE
Really?

KADMUS
Of course.

GABRIELLE
How much?

He seems to be thinking about it before he finally shrugs out his answer.

KADMUS
A thousand dinars?

Again, Gabrielle doesn’t say anything, she just gives him a smile, that Autolycus knows isn’t a happy one.

KADMUS
(cont’d)
I have a couple of things to attend to before the show starts. Why don’t you think about it and I’ll be back in a while?

Gabrielle watches him leave then turns back to Autolycus.

GABRIELLE
And he’s a dirty thief too.

AUTOLYCUS
Hey!  I resent that.  He’s a crook, not a thief.  He’s got no style.

He sighs and shakes his head as he lays his hand on her shoulder.

AUTOLYCUS
(cont’d)
I’m sorry about that. I didn’t realize.

GABRIELLE
It’s not your fault. Just goes to prove if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is.

AUTOLYCUS
You’re going to get him, aren’t you?

GABRIELLE
You know it.

CUT TO:

INT. MERCHANT’S ROOM – DAY

Xena is back to inspecting the tables. This time Kazia is with her.

XENA
Thanks for the rescue back there.

KAZIA
No problem. I know how some of them can get.

XENA
Nuts?

Kazia chuckles as they continue through the room with Xena inspecting each table.

KAZIA
It’s not that. Really. They’re just very passionate about all this.

XENA
See, that’s the part I don’t understand.  Why not get passionate about their own lives?

KAZIA
Because most of our lives are boring as wheat growing in Amphipolis.

XENA
Okay, THAT I understand.

KAZIA
Exactly, and your adventures give us something more in our lives.  It’s not that we don’t do fine the way we are, but most of us don’t have the courage or even the means to go out and do what you two did.  By celebrating your adventures, we get a little adventure of our own.

XENA
But why not just get together on your own? All of this costs a lot of dinars.

KAZIA
Simple answer?

XENA
Sure.

KAZIA
Because it’s fun. Come here.

Kazia takes Xena to a table piled high with scrolls. She picks one up and hands it to Xena.

KAZIA 
(cont’d)
Your adventures have inspired other bards to start writing. Some stories are about you, fictional accounts of adventures. Look at this.

Xena takes the scroll; she reads a few lines and looks to the guy running the table.

XENA
How much?

MAN
Ten.

With a sigh she, retrieves a few coins and hands them over, then she sticks the scroll in a pouch at her belt.

XENA
Gabrielle’s gonna freak.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. HALLWAY – DAY

Xena is standing with Kazia and a couple other people talking quietly as people move past them.  Xena is even smiling and seems to be enjoying herself at the moment. 

Kadmus is making his way down the hall, looking like he has a bad smell under his nose when he see the small groups of people standing in the area.

KADMUS
Okay folks, this section isn’t open yet. What are you doing here?

XENA
Standing?

KADMUS
Well could you ‘stand’ somewhere else?  With you here, people will think it’s time to come back here.

XENA
You must be kidding.

KADMUS
No I’m not. Now please move out of this area.

The grin that crosses Xena’s face is one of disbelief as she does take a few steps away, back toward the room with all the merchandise.

Kadmus watches to make sure they’re moving then he turns and walks the other way.

XENA
That man is an idiot.

KAZIA
No, an idiot wouldn’t make the money he does.  He’s just a control freak.

XENA
So you don’t spend a lot of dinars at this thing.  Why do you come?

KAZIA
To be with my friends.  We only get to see each other once or twice a year and this makes it fun. There are some things he can’t charge for and the chance to be with good friends is one of them.

XENA
I like that. That’s good.

KAZIA
Well, we gotten a lot from this and we’ve learned a lot about ourselves.  It’s not all bad.

XENA
I’m beginning to get it. Now all we have to do is fix the Kadmus problem.

KAZIA
There’s a lava pit not far from here.

XENA
That is a possibility.

CUT TO:

INT. LOUNGE – DAY

Gabrielle and Autolycus are once again in the room that is behind the stage area.  Autolycus is seated and Gabrielle is pacing back and forth.

AUTOLYCUS
Is that doing any good?

GABRIELLE
It’s how I think.

AUTOLYCUS
I’ll bet you go through a lot of boot leather.  A thousand dinars could buy a lot of boots.

GABRIELLE
Be careful or I’ll put a boot where you least expect it.

AUTOLYCUS
Sorry.

GABRIELLE
Money aside... why are you doing this?

AUTOLYCUS
There has to be another reason besides money?

GABRIELLE
Yes. Autolycus, you retired a wealthy man. You don’t need the money. Why?

AUTOLYCUS
People don’t remember me.

GABRIELLE
What?

AUTOLYCUS
They don’t remember ‘The King of Thieves’.  You, you and Xena, they remember. It’s nice to be a part of something so positive.  These people love you and regardless of who brings them together, they all have one thing in common... you and Xena.

GABRIELLE
Xena and I don’t deserve this.

AUTOLYCUS
Why not?  You have spent your entire lives trying to make things better....

GABRIELLE
You’re overstating it.  We did what we had to do. That doesn’t make us worthy of this kind of thing.

AUTOLYCUS
Oh get a grip, Gabrielle. They’re not trying to deify you.  They are simply finding some pleasure in what you’ve done. You give them hope. You’re the one who wrote the scrolls. You should have seen this coming.

GABRIELLE
This is not what I intended.

The door behind them opens, stopping what is quickly turning into a heated argument. Gabrielle turns to find Xena coming in.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Well this is surprise.  How did you get in?

XENA
You have to ask? But I will say Midas had less security at his palace. How go things on this end?

GABRIELLE
Fine. He took it hook, line and sinker.  I’ll be going on stage later today.

XENA
I’ll be in the audience.

GABRIELLE
And then?

XENA
We lower the boom. When you finish up your time, take questions from the audience.

GABRIELLE
You’re being evil, aren’t you?

XENA
Pretty much. But it should be fun.

AUTOLYCUS
You both scare me sometimes. You know that right?

XENA
We do try. Now....

She pauses and gives Gabrielle a kiss on the forehead.  

XENA
(cont’d)
I have a few things to do before you go on stage. In the meantime, relax. It’s not as bad as we first thought. We just need to put things into perspective for Kadmus.

Xena turns to Autolycus.

XENA
(cont’d)
You’re in, right?

AUTOLYCUS
How can I say no to the two most dangerous women in the world?

XENA
Good.
(to Gabrielle)
I’ll see you later.

FADE TO:

INT. STAGE ROOM – SHORT WHILE LATER

The room is packed with people. Every seat is filled with a body and there are even a few people standing along the sides against the walls.  The stage is empty at the moment, but it’s clear that people are waiting for something to happen.

All the attention turns to the stage when Kadmus enters from behind a curtain.

KADMUS
Hi everybody... are you all having a good time?

The crowd responds with varying degrees of enthusiasm, but all the responses are positive.

KADMUS 
(cont’d)
Good, that’s what we like to hear.  And we actually have an unexpected surprise for you today. We have a guest that came in at the last minute.  I think you’re all going to be very pleased. But before we bring her out we have something that we’re going to offer up for auction.

An assistant brings out a pair of odd-looking boots and sets them on a small table next to Kadmus.

KADMUS
(cont’d)
These were acquired for auction from a close friend of Xena and Gabrielle’s and they are the boots that Gabrielle wore during her adventure with Xena when they came to Tara’s aid for the second time.

CUT TO:

INT. BACKSTAGE – CONTINUOUS

Gabrielle backhands Autolycus on the arm as she glares at him.

GABRIELLE
You stole my boots?!

AUTOLYCUS
Actually I didn’t steal them. You left them behind. I just picked them up.

GABRIELLE
Why in the name of Zeus....  Never mind, I don’t want to know.

CUT TO:

INT. STAGE ROOM – DAY

The auction continues with bids going higher and higher.  

Kazia is seated in the back of the room with a fellow that looks strangely familiar. The clothes are different than the last time he appeared, but it’s definitely Anthrax.

KAZIA
Are you sure this is going to work?

XENA
Positive. I’ll pop up after Gabrielle is done speaking.  Then we’ll put the screws to Kadmus in front of the entire crowd.

KAZIA
See, this is why we love you two. There’s always a plan.

XENA
Even if we have to do it on the fly, Gabrielle and I are good together.

They return their attention to the auction. Xena just shakes her head slowly when the price of the boots reaches five hundred dinars.

XENA
(cont’d)
I don’t get this.

KAZIA
All right, I admit... neither do I.

FADE TO:

INT. STAGE ROOM – DAY

Kadmus is now finished with his auction.  After handing off the boots to an assistant he turns back to the group.

KADMUS
All right, now is the time.  We have a special surprise guest for you today. I know it’s going to be hard to believe, but here she is... Gabrielle, the Battling Bard.

At this point the crowd goes crazy, screaming and yelling.  Whistles can be heard piercing through the general din of the room.  All the attendees are on their feet as Gabrielle slowly makes her way on stage.

She has a huge smile on her face as she gets a look at everyone. She spends a moment or two just waving to the crowd as the noise continues.

When everyone finally quiets down and retakes their seats she perches on a stool that has been provided for her.

GABRIELLE
Wow! Thanks, guys! You know, I had no idea that people get together like this. I was just passing through and here you were. You made it really hard to get a room.

There is a ripple of laughter through the room and Gabrielle continues to just take it in.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
I have to admit that’s its kind of bizarre. I mean Xena and I....

At the mention of Xena’s name there is another round of cheers and applause that makes Gabrielle laugh.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
I feel that way most of the time too.  So you all get together once a year, just to come talk about us?

There is a murmur of yes among the audience.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Well, when I heard you were here, I thought I’d come tell you a few stories I haven’t had a chance to get down on a scroll yet.  You okay with that?

Audience reaction is as expected... enthusiastic.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
At least you’re easy to please.  Okay then.  You’re all familiar with Palaemon and Vidalus? Well we got to see them again recently. Yet another interesting adventure for us, but I got to put Xena in this really skimpy outfit....

FADE TO:

INT. STAGE ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Gabrielle is walking around the stage now, getting the crowd involved in the story that she is just finishing up.

GABRIELLE
So Xena, in true Xena style, informed the king exactly how things were going to be.  He didn’t argue; the wedding went off without a hitch. Xena and I got a scroll from Vidalus the other day and he says that Val and his wife are already expecting a baby.  So it worked out just fine.

Moving back to the stool, Gabrielle takes a drink from a mug that has been placed on the table near her.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Okay, I’m done. I suppose the thing to do now is take some questions.

She looks over the crowd as every hand goes up, but she’s looking for one particular hand.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

ACT FOUR

FADE IN:

INT. STAGE ROOM – DAY

Gabrielle laughs, nearly giving everything away when she finally finds Xena in the audience.  And since every hand in the place is up, she feels guilty and decides that Xena can wait while she answers one real question.

GABRIELLE
Down in front there. In the red tunic.

A woman stands up, folding her hands in front of her as she appraises Gabrielle.

WOMAN
Will you please settle a raging debate?

GABRIELLE
If I can.

WOMAN
Xena and Ares....

GABRIELLE
Okay, stop right there.  I know where this is going and just let me say, she likes what I do.

The audience roars with laughter and the woman does not look pleased.

WOMAN
But in your scrolls you write of Xena and Ares’ relationship. How can she like what you do if she’s obviously in love with Ares?

A coughing sound from the section where Xena is sitting, once again nearly trips Gabrielle up.

GABRIELLE
Ares understood Xena when she was struggling with her path in life, but he also manipulated her and you can’t have love based on manipulation. I personally think there was some mutual respect. But Xena never has and never will love Ares.

Turing away from the woman in the front Gabrielle picks on a young boy on the right side of the room.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Do you have a question?

The boy looks like he’s about to faint, but he stands up and Gabrielle can tell he’s shaking.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
It’s okay. I don’t bite.

BOY
Can I give you a kiss?

This makes her laugh as she steps down off the edge of the stage.

GABRIELLE
Sure. C’mere.

To the delight of the audience Gabrielle puts her arms around him, giving him a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  The room responds appropriately with a chorus of ‘awwwww’. Gabrielle takes the time to talk quietly with him before he returns to his seat and she goes back up on stage. 

GABRIELLE
(cont’d, turning to ‘Anthrax’)
How about you?

Very straight faced, thumbs looped in belt, looking like she might spit at any moment, Xena stands. The audience still hasn’t bought a clue.

XENA
Can you tell me what it’s like to kiss Xena?

GABRIELLE
Come up here and I’ll show ya.

From somewhere in the back someone shouts “It’s Xena!” The game is on now as Xena moves through the crowd and takes the stage with Gabrielle. Every person in the room rises to their feet in a deafening roar of approval and applause.

They have to wait for several beats before the room quiets enough for them to continue. They are amused and laughing with the room as everyone begins to settle down.
Gabrielle turns to Xena.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
I believe I promised you a kiss.

There is absolute silence in the room. You could hear the proverbial pin drop.

Leaning over, Xena takes Gabrielle’s face tenderly in her hands and kisses her. From somewhere in the back of the room is a noise that sounds suspiciously like someone fainting.

The woman in the red tunic down front gets up from her seat and marches over to the door. The security there isn’t going to let her leave until Xena gestures from the stage.

XENA
Oh, just ship her the hell out of here.

They open the door and she leaves.

XENA
(cont’d, to audience)
Ares? Give me a break.

Gabrielle reaches for ‘Anthrax’s’ mustache.

GABRIELLE
Let’s get you out of that.

XENA
You’re asking me to break character.

GABRIELLE
Yes I am. Here let me help you.

The crowd rumbles quietly as Gabrielle takes the hat off Xena’s head and runs her fingers through Xena’s hair, freeing it from the knot it had been in under the hat.  Xena gingerly removes the mustache and patch of hair at her chin. 
 
GABRIELLE
That’s better.
(to audience)
Isn’t that better?

Gabrielle gestures to the people once again standing and applauding.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d, to Xena)
See?

XENA
Was I arguing?

A second stool is brought up on stage and Xena takes it, placing it down next to Gabrielle’s stool.

XENA
(cont’d, to Gabrielle)
You do this really well. We should come to these things more often.

Everyone in the room agrees…loudly.

XENA
(cont’d)
You know, Gabrielle and I travel so much, it’s hard to tell where we’ll be next year, but if we can stop by, we will. Since Kadmus has made such a generous offer we really should come by to support his effort.

This has Kadmus’ attention and he moves forward toward the stage.

GABRIELLE
That’s right.  I think you all will be pleased to know that Kadmus has agreed to donate thirty percent of his profits to a charity that you all choose.

Kadmus looks like he wants to die on the spot... the spot that Xena and Gabrielle have so expertly put him on.

XENA
Come up here. Let the folks see what a generous guy you are.

It’s as if Xena’s stare has a magnetic pull on him, forcing his feet to move even as he’s trying to will them to go the other direction. Putting on a brave face, he joins them on stage and finds himself between Xena and Gabrielle, who have holds in a couple discreet places on his body that he is pretty sure could be lethal.

KADMUS
Yes, yes, Xena is right.  They’ve given so much to us it’s time for us to give something back. We’ll be setting up a table out in the hall where you can drop off your suggestion for the charity.

GABRIELLE
And this isn’t just for this year; he’s going to do it every year you all get together.

XENA
And when we’re in the area, we’ll stop by to help out.

The crowd is on their feet on last time and we....

FADE TO:

EXT. CAMP – EVENING

Xena is lying with her head on a pile of blankets, playing some kind of game with a string.  Gabrielle is looking down at a scroll, but she’s not writing.  She’s contemplating, which actions that include humming, tapping her foot and scratching the side of her face with the feather end of the quill.

GABRIELLE
I think I’m going to call this one, The Sting.

XENA
Good one. He wasn’t expecting that.

GABRIELLE
Speaking of expecting... where’s Autolycus?

XENA
He’ll be here.

GABRIELLE
Xena if he succeeded....

XENA
He’ll be here. He knows we know where he lives.

GABRIELLE
True.

A beat later, several sets of feet can be heard coming through the trees. The sounds stop just short of the camp.

AUTOLYCUS
(off camera)
Are you decent?

XENA
Yes, come on in.

Autolycus, followed by Kazia and about a half a dozen others from the symposium come into the camp. After saying hello and shaking hands with Xena and Gabrielle, they all take seats around the fire. 

Autolycus drops a larger bag of dinars at Xena’s side.

AUTOLYCUS
There’s about ten thousand there.  It’s what I could lay my hand on while you were on stage.

XENA
You haven’t lost your touch.

AUTOLYCUS
With you two acting as decoys, I couldn’t lose.

KAZIA
You should have seen Kadmus running around looking for that money. That was worth the price of admission.  So what are you two going to do with all that?

XENA
Nothing. You’re going to take it and give it out to as many people you can who attended that thing.  We know it won’t cover everyone, but it’s a nice start.

KAZIA
And again this is…

KAZIA & XENA
... why we love you. 

XENA
(cont’d)
Yeah we know. Just get as much of it back as you can.

KAZIA
I will I promise.
(to Gabrielle)
Umm... we were wondering is.... 

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT FOUR

TAG

FADE IN:

EXT. ROAD – DAY

Xena is walking slowly, leading Argo. Gabrielle is walking slowly behind her, engrossed in a scroll.

GABRIELLE
This is just twisted.

XENA
Oh come on Gabrielle. You know what they say; imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

GABRIELLE
Xena, look at this.

Xena stops, Gabrielle takes the scroll over and points to a section.

GABRIELLE
(cont’d)
Is that even possible?

Xena reads the scroll, considers it and smiles before turning to walk on.

XENA
It would be if I had three hands.

GABRIELLE
Xena!

FADE OUT.

DISCLAIMER
No fans were harmed during the making of this motion picture.  We swear. Really.